Short Saiyuki Stories by Atsuzen
by atsuzen the tensai
Summary: this is my collection of short stories, so i'll probably add most of my new fics in here! tell me what you think about my stories, i really need 2 know! thanx! (2 NEW STORIES UPDATED!)
1. It's All About Hair!

SHINGU ATSUZEN 24/3/2003  
  
= Sanzo's thoughts  
  
I lighted my cigarette, staring at the boring scene of Gojyo wrestling Goku. They make a hell lot of noise just fighting over a dumpling. The brown haired girl was staring at the green-eyed demon, who was busy eating some noodles. She licked her lips.  
  
"Ne, why can't I have some more noodles?" she asked, drooling at the sight of the noodles. She tugged on Hakkai's sleeve.  
  
"Because you already had two bowls of it," he replied politely.  
  
She actually had four.  
  
"When do you suppose we leave this town?" I questioned. My voice could hardly be heard amidst the noisy shouts coming from the monkey and the kappa.  
  
"Maa, I guess we should leave tomorrow morning," Hakkai answered me. "Since we have a room to stay in, we might as well spend a night here."  
  
"Shut up, stupid monkey!" Gojyo shouted at Goku, pulling his hair. "It's you who has a smelly armpit!"  
  
Oh, so the idiots are arguing about armpit hair now?  
  
"Me?! You're the one with long armpit hair!" Goku yelled back, trying to shove Gojyo's hand away. "And stop pulling my hair, erotic kappa!"  
  
"I do NOT have armpit hair, brainless monkey!"  
  
Gojyo lifted his arms, exposing his naked armpits.  
  
"Have a good look at it!"  
  
Crapping bloody bullets . it stinks .  
  
Atsuzen and Goku immediately pinched their noses.  
  
"Eww! Smelly armpit water monster!" Goku teased. "So it's either you have really long armpit hair or you have smelly bare armpits that stink like heck!"  
  
"Gojyo, put your stinking arms down!" said Atsuzen. "You're spoiling the fragrant aroma of fresh-fried noodles!"  
  
Gojyo crossed his hands and glared at Goku. "I wonder what's under that T-shirt of yours ."  
  
Chest hair .?  
  
"Talking about hair," Hakkai wiped his mouth and put his chopsticks down. "When I went out to buy some food this afternoon, I saw an old man riding a bicycle with some small strands of hair sticking out of his ear."  
  
That's sick; I'd rather grow a moustache.  
  
"Cool!" exclaimed Atsuzen. "I wish I could see some hair sticking out of SANZO's nose!" She started to laugh like a maniac, and so did Goku.  
  
What the -  
  
I stood up and threw my empty cigarette pack into the dustbin.  
  
"I'm going out to get more cigarettes," I said.  
  
"Cih, I thought you were going to kill Atsuzen," said Gojyo, annoying as usual.  
  
I paused for a moment, thinking of something to reply his usual idiotic thought.  
  
"You know what, I just changed my mind," I added, a malicious grin slowly appearing on my face. "Forget about the cigarettes, I think I'll have more fun killing you, armpit hair kappa."  
  
"Wait a -"  
  
BANG! BANG! BANG!  
  
~OWARI~ 


	2. Bringing It To The Extreme

SHINGU ATSUZEN 25/3/2003  
  
Bzzz .  
  
SWAT!  
  
I slapped the damn stupid mosquito that had landed on my nose.  
  
Bloody insect.  
  
Hakkai handed me a piece of tissue.  
  
"Sanzo!" Atsuzen suddenly burst out. "How could you DO such a THING?!"  
  
I raised an eyebrow, wiping my nose.  
  
What's her problem?  
  
"Do you know that you just killed a MOSQUITO?!" she continued. "You've just reduced the amount of insects in this world! The species of mosquitoes is endangered!"  
  
What crap -?  
  
"Imagine if you kill a mosquito each day! You'd have killed 30 mosquitoes each month! 365 mosquitoes a year!" she dramatically cried. "The ecosystem would be unbalanced! The mosquitoes would reduce in amount since there's so many other people in this world killing mosquitoes! And then . slowly . they're gone . gone . FOREVER!"  
  
That's how I'd like it to be.  
  
"And when there's no more mosquitoes to swat, you'll start killing off the flies! - Then the dragonflies! - and then -" she gasped. "The butterflies!"  
  
Oh, great, I won't have to worry about applying insect repellent the next time I go out.  
  
"But it doesn't matter since I hate butterflies," she sighed.  
  
"Are you done?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah," she finally ended her mosquito crazy talk. "I'm gonna catch grasshoppers and burn them in matchboxes, wanna come?"  
  
"You were just lecturing me about the 'consequences' of killing mosquitoes, and now you're off to kill grasshoppers?" I said. "You're such an idiot."  
  
"It wasn't a LECTURE, excuse me," she retorted. "And if I don't kill the grasshoppers -"  
  
Oh, no . not again .  
  
"- they'll eat up all the grass, leaving less greens in the world! The cows, rabbits, goats, horses and sheep will have less food to eat! The food will soon run out, so they'll starve . and then . DIE!!!"  
  
"No carnivore animals will have a chance to survive because the herbivore animals have starved to death, so they'll be eating one another, reducing the amount of their species as quick as Goku eating five bowls of noodles! And what if the temperature rises and the forests burn down? The oxygen will lessen, thus leaving us with only carbon dioxide to breathe! The North Pole and the South Pole will MELT like the Wicked Witch of the East! All the polar bears and cute penguins will perish!"  
  
What wild imagination this girl has .  
  
"Then us humans will have neither meat nor greens to feed on! We'll starve, and we'll die, too! We'll be EXTINCT just like the dinosaurs! But the only difference is that we didn't die because of a meteor, it's because of -"  
  
"- grasshoppers?" I raised my eyebrow.  
  
"Uh ."  
  
~OWARI~ 


	3. Booger, Blood and A Bunch of Idiots

The sight of Booger Tower drew closer and closer, its foul smell getting thicker and thicker.  
  
Goku : *pinching his nose* Eww ... it really stinks ... urgh ...  
  
Gojyo : *already pinched his nose with a hair clip* Why are we here, anyway? Oy, Sanzo!  
  
Sanzo : *had buried his face in his long-sleeved robe* ...  
  
Goku : Uh oh! Hakkai!  
  
Hakkai : *his nose clamped tightly with a peg* Nandeska?  
  
Goku : Lump of slimy white pus!  
  
Gojyo : Like - yuck, man ...  
  
Hakkai : Not to worry, just have to avoid it -  
  
SLURG! PLURG! FLURG!  
  
Sanzo : (his voice sounding muffled) Let's just get the heck out of here ....  
  
Gojyo : Whose idea was this to come here?  
  
Nobody replied.  
  
Gojyo : Oy, Hakkai! Why did you drive us here?!  
  
Hakkai : Honestly, Gojyo, you were the one who asked me to take the right path at that junction just now.  
  
Goku : Stupid ero kappa!  
  
Gojyo : It's not entirely my fault! You agreed with me!  
  
Goku : No, I didn't!  
  
Gojyo : Yes, you did!  
  
Goku : No, no, no, no, no, no!!!  
  
Gojyo : Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!  
  
Goku : NO TIMES ONE MILLION!  
  
Gojyo : YES TIMES TWO MILLION!  
  
Goku : NO TIMES INFINITY!  
  
Gojyo : NO TIMES THE SUM OF TWO MILLION MULTIPLIED BY INFINITY!  
  
Sanzo : *takes out his gun* SHUT THE CRAP UP, YOU TWO! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT IT'S DAMN SMELLY OVER HERE!  
  
Hakkai : Maa, maa, we could always turn back ...  
  
Just as they looked back, a huge, solid, brick wall appeared out of nowhere, blocking their exit.  
  
Goku : Hey, who put that thing there???  
  
Sanzo : Crapping bloody bullets ...  
  
Gojyo : Oh, shitmatta ... my hair's gonna wrinkle up any moment ...  
  
Sanzo : Dammit ... I hope it's not fate that brought us here ... it's just your stupidity!  
  
Goku : You're calling me stupid?!  
  
Sanzo : Yes, you idiotic monkey kid! YOU'RE DAMN STUPID!  
  
Gojyo : *laughing*  
  
Sanzo : You're no better, either! YOU'RE STUPID LIKE HECK!  
  
Hakkai : *takes a deep breath* I think - UWEK!  
  
Gojyo : Oi, Hakkai! What's wrong with you?!  
  
Hakkai : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Goku : He's transforming! Sanzo : Idiot, he's not transforming, he's yelling, for crying out loud, you idiotic idiot!  
  
Hakkai : *looks as if he was about to choke to death* I - s - sucked in s-smelly f-foul ... - BOOGER AIR!  
  
Sanzo : Quit it, idiot.  
  
Hakkai : *trying to breath properly* HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!! HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!!  
  
Gojyo : Oh, how bad can this get?  
  
KERUM! KABOOM! BOOM! KERUM!  
  
The clouds turned leaf green, the sky turned gold and it started to rain heavily. Another WEIRD thing was that the raindrops were BLOODY RED!!!  
  
Sanzo : What the -?  
  
Goku : *sniffing* Raindrops don't smell like this.  
  
Gojyo : You mean - you actually smell rain??? Oh, you're such a genuine bakazaru, Goku!  
  
Goku : Don't expect a thank you from me!  
  
Gojyo : Ach, double shitmatta! The rain's staining my clothes!  
  
Sanzo : Idiots, it's raining blood, you idiotic idiots!  
  
Goku : BLOOD?!  
  
Hakkai : *crawling on the floor, clutching his throat* HAA!!! FOO!!! HAA!!! FOO!!! HAA!!! FOO!!!  
  
Gojyo : Hey, the colour goes well with my hair, eh?  
  
Sanzo : Shut the crap up!  
  
Goku : Let's run into the tower before we get all bloody!  
  
Gojyo : INTO THE TOWER?!?!?! It's stinking hell inside there, bakazaru!  
  
Hakkai : (you can say he's suffering from a bad case of asthma) HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!! HAAAAAA!!! FOOO!!! HAAAA!!!! FOOOOO!!!  
  
Goku : Doesn't HA mean prawn and FU mean pants in Cantonese?  
  
Sanzo : I don't care a damn about it! Get on the blasted jeep now!  
  
Hakkai : *cross-eyed already* HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!! HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!! HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!!  
  
Goku and Gojyo hopped into the blood-flooded (or should I call it bloody ...?) jeep and pulled the asthmatic Hakkai in. Sanzo stomped on the pedal and they drove off like an F1 Ferrari.  
  
* * *  
  
As soon as they dramatically crashed into the Booger Tower (knock down those booger walls, yea!), Sanzo immediately jumped out of the jeep, cursing and swearing. Everyone was drenched from head to toe, clothes dyed red. The atmosphere around them was stinking horrible ... or, in other words, you could die in it. The booger-scent air was so strong and thick that the only colour you could see was green (that's besides the bloody red Sanzo-ikkou who're definitely HARD TO MISS).  
  
Sanzo : Crapping bloody bullets ...  
  
Gojyo : Now I know why Hakkai's always driving! You drive like shit, Sanzo!  
  
Goku : Hey, this blood tastes good ... *starts sipping blood from the over-flowing blood jeep*  
  
Gojyo : Oh, please, you're not a vampire, bakazaru!  
  
Hakkai : (his mouth gets bigger every time) HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!! HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!! HAAAAA!!! FOOOOO!!!  
  
Sanzo : Stupid, idiotic, crapping, crud, damn bloody rain ...  
  
Gojyo : Look! I'm all wet and red! Yeesh ... stupid corrupt monk ...  
  
Sanzo : SHUT THE CRAP UP!!! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ALL WET?!  
  
Gojyo : Don't you have a monk driving license?! You drove as if you couldn't control the steering wheel!  
  
Sanzo : What the heck's your problem, red idiotic idiot?  
  
Gojyo : You drove zigzagged so the blood in the jeep splashed all over us! I think I even swallowed some!  
  
Goku : Mmm!!! This blood is yummy! *slurps the blood inside the jeep*  
  
Gojyo : *cringing slightly* Nozaru, you're creeping me out, you know.  
  
Goku : *faces Gojyo, blood dripping from the corner of his mouth* It's nice! Try it! Gojyo : Only total idiots would do that.  
  
Hakkai : (about to fall out of the jeep) FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!! FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!! FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!!  
  
Sanzo : For crap-ness sake, stop that idiotic crap, Hakkai, you idiotic idiot!  
  
Hakkai : FAAAAA, POOOOO???  
  
PLOP!  
  
Hakkai did a backflip-somersault and fell to the ground.  
  
Hakkai : *his mouth practically kissing the booger- ish ground* FA-HAAAA!!! POO-HOOOO!!! FA-HAAAA!!! POO- HOOOO!!!  
  
Goku : I love BLOOD!  
  
Gojyo : Just quit it with the blood, bakazaru!  
  
Goku : Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got blood in my tummy ...  
  
Gojyo : Oh, this bloody place stinks like hell ...  
  
Sanzo : Yeah, like you!  
  
Hakkai : FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!! FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!!  
  
Gojyo : NANDATOOOOO?!?!?!  
  
Sanzo : YOU STINK AND SMELL LIKE BOOGER, OLD FART!!!  
  
Hakkai : FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!! FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!! FAAAAA!!! POOOOO!!!  
  
Gojyo : SAY THAT AGAIN!!!  
  
Sanzo : YOU STINK AS BAD AS THIS CRAP BOOGER PLACE!!  
  
Goku : I love you, you love me, I like drinking red liquid .  
  
Gojyo : PREPARE TO DIE, CORRUPT MONK!  
  
Goku : ... with a great big gulp and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you'll be mine too?  
  
Hakkai : *freezes for a moment then hunches, his hands sticking out* MY PRRRRECIOUSSSSS ... MY PRRRRRECIOUSSSSS!!!  
  
Goku : Drink me, baby, one more time ....... *gulps down a whole thing of blood*  
  
Sanzo : Beware of San-Zo Jinn!*takes out a purple- coloured light saber*  
  
Gojyo : Oh, yeah?! *takes out a red-coloured light saber* Sha-Gojyo-Kenobi will bring you down to pieces!  
  
Sanzo : Go to hell, idiotic idiot!  
  
Gojyo : ARGH!!! *charges at Sanzo*  
  
Sanzo : DIE, UNGIFTED ONE! *charges at Gojyo*  
  
Hakkai : *breathing loudly* Prrrrreciousssss ... where is prrrrreciousssss ... ?  
  
Goku : Oops, I drank you again ...  
  
Hakkai : I WANT PRRRRRECIOUSSSSS!!!  
  
(Gojyo and Sanzo battling like those Jedis from Star Wars)  
  
Sanzo : You're just wasting time fighting me, idiotic evil idiot! I'm sure to win!  
  
Gojyo : Ahem, you're the idiotic evil idiot, not me! And I'm sure to win!  
  
Sanzo : Shut up, I'm gonna win and that's a fact!  
  
Gojyo : You can't prove that it's a fact yet until you've won!  
  
Sanzo : SHIINE, IDIOTIC PIG!!!  
  
Gojyo : DIE, YOU UGLY BOAR!!!  
  
Hakkai : (uh oh)*takes another deep breath*I want prrrrrecioussss!!! I want - UWEK!!!  
  
Goku : You want uwek? *licking blood from the tip of his fingers*  
  
Hakkai : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!  
  
Sanzo : Idiotic asthmatic idiot! Stop breathing in too deeply!  
  
Gojyo : DIE, SAN-ZO GENN!!! *lunges forward*  
  
Sanzo : *dodges him and spits on Gojyo* TAKE THAT!  
  
Gojyo : (the spit landed on top of his head) ACH! Acidic mouth saliva!  
  
Sanzo : *cackles like a mad man* KYAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Gojyo : NOOOOO!!! I'M BALDING!!!  
  
Goku : Oh, triple shitmatta!!! The blood's finished! *looks around for more blood*  
  
Hakkai : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!  
  
Goku : Goku has a thirst for blood, thirst for blood, thirst for blood ...  
  
Gojyo : NO! MY HAIR!!!  
  
Sanzo : NYAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Hakkai : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!  
  
Goku : Goku has a thirst for blood and he wants it right now ...  
  
Gojyo : ACH! MY BA-YU-TI-FOOL HAIR'S DISAPPEARING!!!  
  
Sanzo : BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Hakkai : Hey, you blonde fool!  
  
Sanzo : What the heck did you just call me?!  
  
Hakkai : Interested in dueling with me?  
  
Goku : Whenever drank the blood, in the jeep on my own ...  
  
Sanzo : Who wouldn't be?  
  
Gojyo : *sobbing* I never thought I'd be bald one day ...  
  
Hakkai : All right, fellow wizard, prepare to be defeated once and for all!  
  
Sanzo : Oh, PA-LEESE ...  
  
Goku : Sing a song of red blood, a pocket full of blood, I want some more yummy blood, baked in some blood!  
  
Hakkai : *a wand magically appears in his hand* RICTUSEMPRA!!!  
  
Sanzo : *uses his gun as a wand* Hah, you missed! MIMBLE WIMBLE!!!  
  
Hakkai : *sticks out his tongue* You missed, too! FLIPENDO!!!  
  
Sanzo : What the crap?! You trying to flip me over?! EXPELLIARMUS!!!  
  
Gojyo : It took me so long to grow back my hair - and now ... *sob* ... it's gone ...  
  
Hakkai : DIFFINDO!!!  
  
Sanzo : What do you think I am, stupid?! Do I look like a plant to you?!  
  
Hakkai : A yellow mushroom, infact!  
  
Sanzo : SKURGE!!!  
  
Hakkai : I'M NOT GHOST SLIME FOR GOSH-NESS SAKE! ENGORGIO!!!  
  
Goku : I miss you like crazy ... even more than those pork buns ...  
  
Sanzo : WHAT'RE YOU TRYING TO ENLARGE?! AVADA NEUTROGENA!!!  
  
Gojyo : Neutrogena? Hey, doesn't Flora Chan use Neutrogena?  
  
Hakkai : *the spell hits him* ARGH! NO! NOT THE MOISTURIZING SPELL!  
  
Sanzo : To tell you the truth, you skin looks horribly oily and yucky like BOOGER!!!  
  
Hakkai : ARGH! IT HURTS LIKE TAU FOO FA!!!  
  
Gojyo : Hey, it actually works, you know ... I used Neutrogena and the zit on my forehead vanished so quickly ...  
  
Goku : You mean you've actually used Neutrogena before?! I thought it was for girls!  
  
Sanzo : So, you had a zit before, eh?  
  
Gojyo : What's wrong with that? *vein throbbing* Didn't you have one before?  
  
Sanzo : Drinking a large amount of Hannya's water everyday keeps my forehead from getting lumpy.  
  
Gojyo : Stupid monk.  
  
Hakkai : OH, NO! I'VE GOT A ZIT!!!  
  
Goku : Where?! (sounding absolutely delighted) I can pop it for you and suck the blood from it so that -  
  
Hakkai : DON'T TOUCH ME, FILTHY MUDBLOOD!  
  
Gojyo : I never knew you knew anything about Harry Potter, Hakkai.  
  
Hakkai : *covering his forehead* The name's Draco Malfoy.  
  
Sanzo : Oh, and I'm supposed to be the famous Harry Potter?  
  
Goku : Come on ... I'm thirsty like heck ...  
  
Gojyo : I've got an idea : cut your finger and drink the blood oozing out of it.  
  
Goku : Bangali you.  
  
* * *  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!"  
  
Gojyo : Who the hell's laughing?!  
  
"BWAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"  
  
Goku : Maybe we can ask that person if he or she has some blood ..  
  
Gojyo : ... stupid monkey, you're still at it?  
  
Goku : I'm so thirsty I could die of thirst, Gojyo! Gimme some of your blood!  
  
Gojyo : Wha? Me?! Go to hell, Goku!  
  
"GYAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!"  
  
Sanzo : Cih, you call that laughing? I can laugh better than that!  
  
"NYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Hakkai : Hah, there's only one person in this universe who could be that laughing ghost! It's - VOLDEMORT!  
  
Gojyo : *gasp* VOLDEMORT! NO!  
  
Sanzo : Who the heck's Voldibort? He sure sounds like an idiot! He can't even laugh properly, not like me! KAHKAHKAHKAHKAH!!!  
  
Gojyo : When have you started laughing like that, corrupt monk? You're freaking me out, dude!  
  
Sanzo : KEEHKEEHKEEHKEEH!!!  
  
Goku : Does he have some blood for me?  
  
Hakkai : Bwah, you?! I doubt it! He'd never - *falls to the ground, unconscious*  
  
Sanzo : Hey, look at the idiotic fainter! He's fainted again! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Goku : Maa ... I was hoping for some ... *sits on Hakkai's back*  
  
"YAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"  
  
Sanzo : MWAHAHAHAHAH!!  
  
"MIAHAHHAHAHAH?"  
  
Sanzo : BAUAHGYAHAH!  
  
"AAAAAAAAH!!! YAHAYAHAHAYHAHA?!"  
  
Sanzo : KRAHAHA-NYAHA-BWAHA-DAH!  
  
"WAKAHNIHHOBOHLAH!!!"  
  
Sanzo : NAHDAHTOH?!  
  
Gojyo : What in the world ...? You're communicating by laughing?!  
  
Sanzo : Nyeh? I'm just laughing, I don't understand myself.  
  
Hakkai suddenly jumps up, fully conscious, dropping Goku on the floor.  
  
Goku : ITAI! That bloody hurts, Hakkai! You must give me some blood in repay!  
  
Hakkai : *swirly eyed* It's a race, it's a race!  
  
Gojyo : And who are you now?  
  
Hakkai : Me? I'm Enrico Pollini, and I'm in a race!  
  
Gojyo : Aren't you -  
  
Sanzo : BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! *drops to the ground* OF ALL PEOPLE?!  
  
Hakkai : Look! I won a coin, a gold coin!*takes out a gold coin from his pocket*  
  
Gojyo : Hey, aren't you that idiotic French guy from Rat Race?  
  
Sanzo : I thought he was Spanish?  
  
Goku : Ne, you watched that stupid movie, too?  
  
Gojyo : Idiotic monkey, we watched it together!  
  
Hakkai : Oh, isn't this wonderful ...? Look at this place ... what a beautiful place ... have you seen this place?  
  
Gojyo : *rolls his eyeballs* DUH! We're IN it!!  
  
Sanzo : Beautiful?! BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! It's stinks like crazy!!!  
  
Goku : *twitches his nose* Ne, I smell blood! I smell fresh blood!  
  
Gojyo : Go get it, Fido!  
  
Goku raced off into the darkness of the tower.  
  
Hakkai : You have to pace yourselves! Carbohydrate is important, pasta is good, breathing - *breathes in and out* - is important!  
  
Gojyo : Why don't -  
  
KNOCK!  
  
Suddenly, something hit Gojyo, sending him falling to the booger-ish floor.  
  
Sanzo : Oroooooooo?!?!?!??!?!?  
  
Hakkai : *running all around the tower, not knowing where to go* I'm winning, I'm winning!  
  
"LET ME GO, YOU OLD FART!!!"  
  
Goku carried a familiar-looking person to the definitely OOC Sanzo-ikkou and dropped her down.  
  
Atsuzen : Watch it, I could've broken my butt-bone!  
  
Goku : *panting, his tongue stuck out* WOOF!  
  
Sanzo : Atsuzen?! WAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!  
  
Hakkai : The key, the key! I've lost the key! Oh, no! I can't find it!  
  
Atsuzen took out something that looked like a remote control from her pocket and threw it on the floor.  
  
Goku : BWAK!  
  
Sanzo : MAK!  
  
Hakkai : BAPAK!  
  
She started stomping on it.  
  
Goku : MAMI!  
  
Sanzo : SAMI!  
  
Hakkai : SALAMI!  
  
Then she started jumping on it.  
  
Goku : TORTILLA!  
  
Sanzo : MOZILLA!  
  
Hakkai : GODZILLA!  
  
Last of all, she took out her gun and shot it.  
  
Goku : LET IT GO!  
  
Sanzo : SHINJIYOU!  
  
Hakkai : POOPOOT!!!  
  
Atsuzen : Wake up, stupid people! The tensai is here!  
  
Sanzo : *blinks a few times* What the -? What the heck are you doing here, Atsuzen?  
  
Atsuzen : Oh, me? I was just ...  
  
Goku : Ugh ... I think I taste blood ... I feel like throwing up ...  
  
Hakkai : *looks at his dirty, messy, booger-covered clothes* Heheh ... what's been going on?  
  
Sanzo : And what is that idiot doing on the floor? Eating booger?  
  
Gojyo was lying on the floor, still unconscious.  
  
Atsuzen : *laughing silently*  
  
Sanzo thrust a dirty look at Atsuzen.  
  
Sanzo : What the hell have you been doing, Atsuzen?  
  
Atsuzen : Why're you looking at me like that?! I didn't kill anyone!  
  
Goku : You made me eat blood, didn't you?  
  
Hakkai : Goku, you can't eat blood, but you can drink blood. *clears his throat* My throat hurts ... *massages his throat*  
  
Atsuzen : W-what?! Stop staring at me like that!  
  
Sanzo grabbed Atsuzen's sweater and dragged her along the booger floor, pulling her outside. Hakkai carried Gojyo and followed. Goku was still examining the green floor when he heard the engine start.  
  
Goku : WAIT JUST ANOTHER SECOND!  
  
Waiting miraculously patient outside, Sanzo waited while having a good time hitting Atsuzen with his paper fan.  
  
Hakkai : I wonder what's wrong with Gojyo ...  
  
Sanzo : Ask this bloody girl, she should know!  
  
Atsuzen : All right, all right! I just threw a small stone at Gojyo's head, that's all!  
  
Goku comes running out of the tower with his hands full.  
  
Goku : Sorry, sorry!  
  
Everyone got into the jeep and headed back to wherever they came from.  
  
Atsuzen : What's that you got there, Goku?  
  
Goku : *holding something green, chewing on it* Uh .... it's ...  
  
Sanzo : Whatever it is, it stinks like hell.  
  
Atsuzen had a closer look at the weird green thing Goku was eating. Suddenly, her eyes widened.  
  
Atsuzen : HOLY SHIT! GOKU, YOU'RE EATING -  
  
Goku : - I just thought it tasted good!  
  
Atsuzen : BOOGER!  
  
~OWARI~  
  
Author's note : Sorry I couldn't come up with a good ending! I just hope you like the fic and please tell me if it's too disgusting, hehe! (and I know for sure all the characters were OOC) 


	4. Do Not Drink

Author's note : This fic was actually written out of total depression, so if I wasn't in this much despair, I wouldn't have written this fic! Thanks to my stupidity and illogical thinking, I'm up with a new short fic! Dedicated to the second chlorine question in the first science assessment test, I officially name this fic : **DO NOT DRINK.**

**SHINGU ATSUZEN ****26/3/2003**

          I rolled up my sleeves and put on my goggles. I walked to the other side of the room where everyone else was. Hakkai handed me a pair of gloves.

          "Put these on, you'll need it," he said.

          I hate plastic gloves. What the heck, I might make a hole in my hands if I throw them aside.

          So I put them on and got my measuring cylinder ready with exactly 12ml of acid. Gojyo handed me the mercury in a burette carefully. 

          "Hakkai said three drops _only_," he told me. "Anymore and it'll explode."

          Yea, yea, I know that.

          I slowly twisted the handle, not wanting anything more than a tiny drop to come out of it. I nearly had it at the right point to get the right amount when –

          _BAM!_

          Atsuzen burst into the lab, slamming the door open. I jerked and twisted the handle just a bit too much.

          Shit.

_          KABOOM!_

          It instantly reacted and exploded right in front of my face. The glass broke, the acid and mercury spilled on the floor. I swore loudly.

          "ATSUZEN!!!" I shouted.

          Atsuzen was actually _running_ towards us, so she couldn't stop in time to avoid the puddle of acid and mercury.

          "Bwaaaaah!" she cried. 

          Hakkai and Gojyo immediately ran away with their chemicals to another table. They knew what was coming. But I was too busy shouting and cursing at Atsuzen to move. 

          CRASH!!! … KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!

          It all happened so quickly, I just remember falling to the floor and breaking my goggles.

(Scene pauses, chibi Sanzo appears with a projector and an OHP screen)

          So here's how it happened in slow motion:

a) Atsuzen slipped on the puddle and crashed into the table.

b) All the apparatus shook, dropped and broke, spilling chemicals everywhere.

c) Of course, they reacted against one another and – you know what I mean.

d) This hasn't happened yet, but it will in a few seconds.

          "Man, that was cool!" Atsuzen exclaimed. Her face was charcoal black, and so was mine, but mine had a bit of red in it, because I was losing my temper.

          Hakkai rushed to us, looking worried.

          "Are you two alright?" he asked. "Your faces are bleeding …"

          I grabbed Atsuzen by her blackened overcoat and started hitting her hard with my crushed paper fan.

          "DON'T YOU BLOODY KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T RUN IN A LABORATORY?!" I yelled, hitting her head. "AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SLAM THE DOOR!"

          "Stop it! My face hurts already and you're hurting it even more!" she whined. It was true that her face was scratched much more than mine, but I never cared.

          Then, as Gojyo was passing by with a dangerous-looking amount of alkali, Atsuzen accidentally bumped into him while trying to avoid my hits. He stumbled and dropped the test tube on Atsuzen, somehow spilling some into her _mouth. _

          "BWAH! Atsuzen!" Gojyo panicked. "Sorry!"

          "It's burning!" her eyes were tearing. "So … hot …"

          Yeesh, this girl causes so much trouble.

          Hakkai rushed to the refrigerator and took out a giant bottle of Sunkist orange juice and poured all 1500ml of it into her mouth. I had to grasp her hands to restrain her from pushing the bottle away. She hates orange juice.

          So, after a moment of panic and worry, Hakkai capped the empty bottle and let out a sign of relief. The acidic orange juice neutralized the alkali, stopping it from eating up her stomach.

          "Idiotic girl," I said, pulling her up. "I guess you'd like to have a taste of some mercury next time, huh?"

          "You wish," Atsuzen let out a burp. 

          I showed her a bottle of chlorine and pointed out an 'X' mark on its label. 

          "Do you know what signs like this on chemicals mean?" I asked her. 

          "Do not drink?"


	5. Pepsi Twist Ad

**SHINGU ATSUZEN 27/3/2003**

          "Lights, camera, action!"

          I was glued to the spot. I couldn't move. I didn't i_wanti to move. But Goku and Gojyo were dancing around the stage like maniacs._

          This is damn embarrassing.

          Hakkai was holding a can of Pepsi Twist with his right hand and the microphone with the other, singing, "Just give me a Pepsi, don't go back -" he spun around and lifted his shades, made a 'peace' pose and winked. "- ask for more!"

          Those three idiots threw their cans of Pepsi Twist as a finale and as bad luck had its last laugh, the cans landed right on my head, drenching me in Pepsi, with a _twist of lemon._

          I'm gonna have to kill someone soon.

          "CUT!" Atsuzen shouted, running towards me with her bandaged left arm. "You idiot, you were supposed to be i_playing_i the electric guitar, not standing around doing nothing like a blur kid!"

          "And why must I?" I retorted. "I don't even want to act in this stupid ad."

          "But you must," Atsuzen pressed her index finger on my chest. "I bet on you, OK?"

          "_Bet_ on me?" I raised an eyebrow. "For what bloody reason?"

          "I bet 100,000 cans of Pepsi Twist that you'll do something interesting in this ad!"

          "Well, that's too bad; I'm _not going to involve myself in this nonsense …" I walked off._

          "But what if I make Hakkai rap?"

          Hakkai froze for a moment, and then stared at Atsuzen, bewildered. His mouth was open, but no sound came out.

          OK, that sounds a bit tempting. But it's not enough.

          I continued to make my way out of the studio.     

          "What if Goku and Gojyo dance around with pompoms?!" she shouted as I got further away from her.

          Her voice echoed through the hallway.

          Pompoms?

          I turned around.

          "So what stupid thing do you want _me_ to do?" I asked.

          "Err … maybe break-dance or something?" she shrugged. "Whatever, it's up to you, as long as I don't lose the bet, because I don't have 100,000 cans of Pepsi."

          Goku and Gojyo, who were standing on the stage right behind Atsuzen, were shaking their heads and waving their hands at me to say 'no'. Yeah, I know it's embarrassing to dance with pompoms, but it's worth seeing it happen.

          "Deal," I grinned.

          "NO!" Gojyo moaned. "You stupid corrupt monk! You're gonna make us embarrass ourselves!"

          "At least your girlfriend lets you choose what you want to do!" Goku shouted.

          Girlfriend?!

         "Shut up, you stupid monkey, or I'll make you wear a skirt!" Atsuzen threatened, shaking her fist at Goku.

          Hakkai was walking around in circles. "Rapping sounds interesting, but I don't know how to."

          Atsuzen buried herself inside the store room. Four blue and yellow pompoms were thrown out. Then a set of baggy, hip-hop clothes came out. Finally, she made her way back out of the room, holding a chain.

          "_This is for you," she put the chain around my neck. "Break dance with this pair of Levi's jeans." She threw a pair of black jeans at my face._

          "Hoy, monkey and kappa, I want to see your cheerleading potential," Atsuzen handed them a blue and yellow pompom each. They looked horrified.

          "Uh …" Hakkai tapped Atsuzen's shoulder. "Is this my costume?" He held up the set of baggy clothes.

          "Yeah, try them on," she replied. "You'll look cute in it."

          Blushing slightly, Hakkai and I walked to the changing rooms while Atsuzen was teaching them how to cheerlead.

          I can't believe that barbaric girl knows cheerleading.  
          I locked myself in a cubicle and tried on the jeans. It looked small, but since I was also quite thin and small myself, I guessed that I could fit into it. I pulled it up my legs.

          It was beginning to get tight as I pulled it up my thighs. It was more of a torture when I couldn't even zip the bloody pair of jeans, so I forced myself to suck in my fat-less stomach and force it up. Then I quickly buttoned it.

          Dammit, I can hardly move.

          It was too tight, _way too tight. I banged into a lot of things while walking out to the studio, since my legs were getting numb. _

          "Have you got that Pepsi spirit?!" Atsuzen shouted.

          "YEA, MAN!" Goku and Gojyo replied.

          "Let me see it in your arms!"

          "OOH, AH, OOH, AH, AH!!!" The two of them punched their fists alternatively into the air as hard as they could with the pompoms.

          "Sanzo, how's the fit?" Atsuzen turned to me.

          Damn tight.

          "I need another pair," I answered.

          "It's tight?!" she started laughing.

          " … is that a problem?"

          She dropped to the floor, laughing hysterically. 

          "I actually thought it would be too small for you! But, it's supposed to be tight, anyway!"

          "Excuse me …"

          Deck the halls with bloody bodies …

          Hakkai looked ultimately ridiculous in the baggy, rapping clothes. He was laughing silently.

          "I think this doesn't quite suite me well," he said.

          "Hakkai," Atsuzen got up. "It looks GREAT! I've never had a chance to see you like this before!"

          "Why can't _we wear cool clothes like that?" Gojyo questioned, looking sulky._

          "Because you're using pompoms, and you're lucky I'm not giving you short skirts to wear," Atsuzen replied. "Those Pepsi jerseys are good enough."

          "Ahem, my _jeans," I said, feeling a bit ignored._

          "I told you, it's _supposed to be tight," she handed me a hat. "You'll look better with this."_

          Atsuzen got herself ready at the camera and said, "Alright, people! Get to your places!"

          What? Spontaneous act? I can break my leg easily, but I can't break _dance_…

          "Lights, camera, action!"

          Hakkai started rapping, somehow making an impressive effort, then Gojyo and Goku cart wheeled into the scene.

          That was unbelievable.

          Then it was my turn to play my part, so I just dropped to the floor and acted stupidly, twisting here and there, spinning, even surprising myself by doing splits …

          And when it came to the end, Goku and Gojyo stylishly threw their pompoms into the air, grabbed hold of my legs and lifted me up. I managed to balance myself although I was not expecting this _at all, but I just did my usual, sexy shooting pose as Hakkai threw his Pepsi can up. As I thought it would be a final success, guess what?_

          It hit the bottom of my chin and bounced back down onto Hakkai's head. We both ignored the pain; we didn't want to do this all over again …

          "It's done!" Atsuzen exclaimed, jumping up and down.

          The four of us wiped our sweat and let out a sign of relief.

          "Hot … hot …" Hakkai stuck his face right in front of the fan, lifting his baggy shirt to cool himself down.

          "I'm hungry …" Goku's stomach made a loud grumbling noise. He patted it and said, "Don't worry, tummy, I'll feed you soon enough."

          "Yosh! I'll be receiving 100,000 cans of Pepsi Twist once I send this baby in!" Atsuzen kissed the roll of film. "And as a treat, you're all going to get free dinner from me! Along with some wine, beer, liquor, cigarettes …"

          "Food, food!" Goku exclaimed.

          "Although it was rather embarrassing," Gojyo panted, pouring a whole bottle of cold water on his head. "It was quite fun, too. Sanzo's shirt kept on dropping whenever he did a head stand."

          "Idiotic pervert," I retorted. "At least I wasn't acting so much like a _gay_."

Author's note : I can say most of the time Sanzo-ikkou are OOC, but I'm just doing it for fun!


End file.
